The Jerk Debate - page 2
Do women only go for men who treat them badly?
(Do men only go for women who do the same?)

Page 1    Page 2     Page 3

It's not being a jerk, it's the confidence a man exudes:

"Not True"!  She disagrees with Aaron: 

Lots of women are dating jerks - Aaron is right:

Want to call in a response to this topic?  Here is the number.  Your privacy is assured - I will not see your phone number. There is no charge to call other than any long-distance charges from your phone company.

Phone 214-615-6044  Extension 3969

More responses sent in by email:

Some men "pretend" to be something they aren't. I married one. He was prince charming in the beginning... after he knew he "had" me, he showed his true colors.

We need a way to see thru this because it makes us leery of ALL men. How do we know the next one won't be just as bad or worse? And maybe thats why the "good" ones scare women off and they go with the jerk, cause just maybe they can see him for what he is, not find out later, that "mr nice guy" isnt really what he pretended to be! There's a saying..."better the devil you know, than the devil you don't."

Sunny


 Men swear they don't like bitches, but they always seem to marry them! Ironically, most say that the woman was not that way at all prior to getting married and then turned into a raging lion. I always am amused by this because; were they totally blind during the entire dating period? I just find it very hard to believe that they claim to have had no idea.

However, I also comment, to men who have made this comment to me, that it takes two to make things work and typically if a woman is bitching all the time, there is something she is obviously not getting from the male.(of course, as with anything, there are always exceptions to the rule)

- Cindy
Dear Mimi:

I get a little upset when people say always and all - women do not ALWAYS leave a nice man to be with an abusive man and we do not think all men are pigs.  However, some women like the excitement of a "bad boy" and find them attractive.  Sometimes it's just chemistry.  If the spark is not there the chemistry may not ever happen. 

Thanks,
Suzi

In regard to women being attracted to "bad" boys...I think it has to do with good guys not grasping the concept of allowing some "chasing" on the woman's part. Everyone wants to work for a good catch. If it's too easy, we all lose interest, male or female! Good guys shouldn't be sooooo accomodating all the time. Make the girl work a little bit!
 
Laura

aaron is so right, we women just seem to always go for the bad boys. we crave a nice man but when he comes along we find the niceness so irritating and end up treating the poor lad badly. why do we like the rough and ready ones?

karen , liverpool


Hi Mimi,

I have been going through a similar situation. I met a really nice guy online, but he is going to be shipping out to Iraq in July. I have been apprehensive about dating him because of this. Well, for the last two weeks he has been in basic training, and has been calling me and text messaging
me nonstop.

Today, I got an email from him basically telling me off for ignoring him. I am very busy, I work full time and care for my sick parents. My family is #1 and I explained this to him, and he said that I should drop everything else I am doing when he calls because he doesn't always have time to call and I can deal with the other people in my life later - I haven't even met this man yet! I have been complaining to my girlfriends for the last 6 months since I have been single about men not paying enough attention - this is too much attention!

He really needs to read your book, "calling men" and apply it to women! I think any women would agree, we want an attentive man, but NOT a stalker!!! We do like nice men, but there is a difference between being nice and being needy!

Much love,
Robin - my real name! =)


Dear Mimi,

In response to the "women prefer jerks", everyone wants, to some degree, what they cannot have.  However, a mature woman who values herself won't even be attracted to a jerk any longer.  The "edge" women seek may be found with a man who is truly powerful and sexy because of what he does in the world, and having passion unrelated to her--THAT will keep her interest--not in his aloofness and neglect of HER.

As far as men preferring "bitches", they need to see that a woman values herself and won't allow her boundaries to be violated.  This may translate into not being available for ALL requested dates, not allowing a go-nowhere relationship to drag on, and not being available to all calls, simply because she has a life.  That is valuing yourself.

By the way, I have Bob Grant's books and he is simply the best person I have ever known at validating both men and women.

Tiffany
I see the ideal harmony of male and female in the yin-yang symbol where each contains a portion of the other.  So, a masculine man is predominantly competitive, goal-directed, strong, aggressive, and "hard" but also has an inner dimension of being cooperative, fun-loving, humble, yielding, and gentle. 

Similarly, a feminine woman is cooperative, playful, gentle, caring, and "soft" but contains a side
that is strong, clever, achievement-oriented, and perhaps a little rebellious.  However, both genders need to have absolute authenticity and integrity in their dealings with others; where you find deceit you
find the "jerk" who does not deserve attention and love from others.

-Ann


I don't agree that ALL women want to date jerks and or vice versa, however I do feel that often times women jump into relationships with men out of "impulse" and are not taking the time to evaluate what it is that they really want and need from a man and are not sure what it is they really want. So naturally, when the impulse dies down, and you get a second glimpse using your rational mind; it becomes evident that this guy/girl isn't for you. Sickly there are some guys/girls who thrive off of dysfunctional relationships but as a whole I think everyone wants an opportunity to find their "one", which would be easier to do if you stay honest, and go with your "heart" and not settle for anyone that lacks the characteristics that are most important to you. You owe that much to yourself. Saying "All men are pigs" or "All women are tramps" are only excuses to keep your heart sheltered, and placing the blame on others for YOU not following your heart and going with what you actually desire! - Joe

Dear Mimi,

I had to reply to this e-mail.  I have been single for 10 years after my divorce and have dated pleanty.  A few months ago a man I was dating for a year and a half broke up with me after the holidays this year.  He said he relized he had no feelings for me.  I bought the book "how to get your man back"  and did not call him.  Needless to say he has never called me and I have made no attempt to contact him.  He did stop by my house for 5 minutes to drop off my things and I used the line "if your not careful you will lose me forever" but that didnt seem to affect him.  Anyway I now relize that my relationship with him was not a healthy one and am glad to have put that behind me although at the time it was quit upsetting. 

While all that was going on there was a man I knew through work that had asked me to dinner.  I thinking it was a business dinner went out with him only to find out he had other intentions.  He was interested in dating me and it made me relize that not all men are jerks.  I have now been dating this new man for about 2 months and things are going good so far.  I can say I have put up a wall though as he is reciently divorced.

My biggest problem is that the 3 men I have dated over the last 5 years have all been reciently divorced.   I find that they are looking for a companion and not a wife.  I have been hurt by the last 2 men both telling me that they do not want to be in a relationship even though we are in one.  They are scared of the commitment and once in a relationship for a long period they seem to think things should move to the next level. (marriage) and they are not ready for that and break up the relationship.   

My questions is where do I go from here.  I am single, attractive have a great job and own my own home.  I have been told I am the perfect girlfriend but no one seems to want to take the next step.  I have made the same mistake with the last 2 men and feel that I am only setting myself up with my current man.  He has been divorced for less than a year.  I like him pleanty and have a great time with him but feel in the back of my mind that he is not ready for any type of commitment now. 

J.
 
"Never allow someone to be your Priority while allowing yourself to be their Option"

I usually don't respond to much, as i tend to just "think as i do" to myself, but I thought i would comment on this,..

It's not that "women prefer jerks" many of us, seek out what we've always had..good or bad. some of us have done plenty of soul searching re-creating new beneficial love habits, yet, stay single, and those who don't even know why they do what they do.  I have been all of the above at different places in my life. women, the vast and many different types, search out all different types of men for different reasons..as i have read in one of your previous writtings,..maybe they search out what they need to learn. what your writter/reader might want to ask himself,...is why he searches out the type of girl who he's never good enough for... our loving and breathing habits are as everchanging as the weather,..(just like men, we all have moments, of wanting to be alone, or together, in love, in lust, just for fun, family company, and free.) but as we grow they're are common threads that we look for,..easy going, fun, funny, sexual, a level of standards, strong and confident, with momental weakness, yet not a noodle. not needy, OR critical. if you can master this..no matter male or female,....you've "up'd" your product.  

i think the "women like men who treat them poorly" has no place in a true search for companionship. It's just a matter of finding someone that you can have spark with, that compliments who you want to be in life..for these such women it's probobly strength.

in my humble opion,

In the woods


Hi, Mimi.

I think part of the "attraction" for someone who mistreats us is really an ego response.  It's our job to sort out true attraction from an ego bruise that we would like to fix. 

I also feel that it is important to give "good guys" a chance.  If we're used to dating "players", we may find that we have developed a poor pattern of behavior. 

"Alice"

I don't prefer jerks. I'm actually really turned on by nice sweet men. My issue always turns out that they never believe that I genuinely like them. It always turns into an uphill struggle to be with them or to get them to relax and and enjoy the time we have. I'm very outgoing, and when I like someone I feel it's important to let them know in appropriate ways. Nice guys can sometimes be freaked out by this. A woman being direct in general is a big no no. It's very frustrating.
 
The other thing I have experienced is nice guys with no personality. They are just 'yes' men. They want so much to be liked that they won't display anything that can be seen as remotely conflicting. Many 'nice' guys don't have a clue how to flirt, or talk to women, they can sometimes be atrocious dressers and no sense of hipness at all. (current events, bands, movies etc.) Most of the time they have no clue what is appealing to women so that's usually why they can't find women; not because they are nice.
 
Lyn

Why cant there be a happy medium - can we find men who are NOT total bores and NOT total jerks either??? Im sure there has to be one out there for me - so that is why I keep looking!

--B.


Dear Mimi,
Jerks galore!  My last guy and I hit it off so well on our first date....someone came up to me and asked if we'd been together a long time because we looked so much in love!  We both thought we were in love immediately.  We only lived 15 miles apart, but somehow email was our main "get togethers", and many times I got a one liner *%&^# you, and ending it there.  Then we'd start emailing again and see eachother again, only to have it happen again and again.  I kept thinking "I'm not going to try and change a man" anymore, but I guess I was still hoping I could in this relationship, that he is just an angry person and if I show him I love him he will come around and start treating me right.  Well the cycle just continued and I don't want that circus ring and emotional abuse  (via email) anymore.  There are alot of jerks, but why would I keep giving a person like that more chances again and again?  Friends and co-workers thought I was crazy, that this guy had a screw loose, but I kept trying. 
Sarah (not my real name)

Debbie from Delaware says, "I think women sometimes confuse loving and longing.  When you have received conditional love growing up, one has a tendency to think that love is only the bells and whistles type.  It is important for every woman to realize that the best love is when it is just that.....love.   It is easy to confuse loving with longing when you find yourself longing for someone's affection, and never get it."

I think the reason women "pick" bad guys is because these are the guys who they have chemistry with.  A very nice predictable caring guy carries an element of being boring.  There is not that bittersweet anticipation that comes with a guy who you never know what he is going to do next.  It's hard.  One the one hand there is overwhelming chemistry and attraction to the mysterious bad boy but the dullness of the guy who is too nice. 
 
I think if a woman can come to a middle ground and realize that a nicer guy is not going to give the same butterflies (read ANXIETY) that a not so nice guy gives her she can hang in there and start to appreciate what a nice guy offers which is a sense a security and caring. 
 
I see this over and over again.  Women will say they want a nice guy but what they really want is chemistry and attraction.  If her pattern is to be attracted to the bad boy that is always the guy who will make her heart do flip flops and he will be irrestible no matter how much she insists she wants a nice guy.  The nice guy will be dismissed because he is just too boring for her.  With the bad guy there is a challenge to win him over and turn him into a nice guy.  That is why she won't hang in there with a nice guy and appreciate his niceness.  She likes the anxiety and chemistry that comes with a guy who keeps her on edge.  Even though she might complain the bad behavior it keeps her hooked. 
 
Charlotte

Hi Mimi

I do agree with your response to Aaron to an extent. Im the type of girl who definitely goes for the 'good guy' type. However, i tend to notice that these good guys tend to be quite insecure in themselves, and hence choose to be with women who maybe 'easy', and hence end up being treated badly and are unhappy. That would also be one of the reasons why some of us ladies also tend to choose the wrong men...insecurity and not TRULY knowing what we want.

My advice to both ladies and guys, is to know yourself, know what you truly want, and most importantly make the effort for it, both by being the best you can be, and never settling for less than what you TRULY want in your choice of partner.

Thanks for a great column.

'Nicole'


Well, to start off with, she shouldnt leave a great guy because there are not too many out there like him, but if that's what she want to do, then she can. - Monique

It's like a double edged sword.  If a you are treated badly, you continue going back for more.....and if a man treats you like gold, you get bored easily.  It's all about finding a happy medium, or at least a significant other who can meet you in the middle and understands you. 
 
I have been involved in both situations, and I must say that it took awhile to find a man that sparked my interest who met me in the middle.  Never gave too much, and never gave too little.  It was a 50/50 relationship, the way I believe a relationship should be.  Therefore, it has been successful.  It is sad to admit, but the chase can never end.  Otherwise, everything will become dull and boring.  It doesn't mean to be a jerk or a *itch, it just means to know the meaning of compromise.-- D.

Dear Bob and Mimi,

I believe neither men nor women really want to hang out with jerks.  Why does it happen, then?

Sometimes we unconsciously put ourselves into situations where we try to work out our past traumas through other people who may not treat us as we deserve to be treated.  This never works, and brings up an endless circle of pain and misery.  In my experience, people learn to treat us as well as we treat ourselves.

I think another reason men and women involve themselves with so-called "bad" boys or girls is due to the nature of attraction.  An element of unpredictability or even danger is a key component of attraction.  There's a bit of wilderness in all of us that is thrilling and worthy of exploration, yet at the same time terrifying.  Sometimes we decimate the wilderness within by closing ourselves off to the unknown and to change.  Sometimes we try to conquer that wilderness in our partners, and pave it over with parking lots because it feels safer.  We stop "seeing" our partners and then get bored, thinking we already know everything about them.  The fact is, we can NEVER know everything there is to know about a person, because we are all constantly changing, always new with every experience we have.  Carrying a polaroid of you and your partner in your pocket and calling that a relationship spells stagnation.  We are not still photographs, we are living, mysterious beings.  If we can live with uncertainty and ALLOW that inner wilderness to exist in our partners and ourselves, more wilderness--and the relationship--will forever be unfolding.

In my opinion, kindness and respect are their own rewards.  It has nothing to do with other people, really--it's totally selfish.  I have to live with myself and I'm happier living with a kind self than a jerky self.

Teri

Dear Mimi,

In regard to your response to Aaron,  I believe we subconsciously attract or choose men who treat us badly because being treated badly serves us in some way.  The question to ponder is:  "What is it we 
gain from this type of treatment?"

Susie

Mimi,
 
I was recently involved with a guy I was incredibly attracted to. As it so happens, he turned out to be a complete player and left me when he coudn't get "unattached" sex from me. He wanted to be "friends with benefits". When I showed him that this was out of the question, I never heard from him again. Recently I overheard from a bunch of his peers (males too) who said that he is a complete jerk, player, and that he has hurt an incredible amount of women. None of these peers seemed to like him very much, if at all. Does this mean, that since it came from fellow guys, it is most likely true? Furthermore, I have stopped contacting him altogether and have not shown any forced interest in him, but it hasn't made him "come back" to me either. I am just wondering how I can apply your technique to make him try to pursue me again. Although I don't want to be with a jerk, it is always a nice feeling to be pursued by someone you're attracted to.
 
Sincerely,
 
L
Mimi,I love a jerk! I always said I would write two books. My auto biography will be titled:Dysfunctional Dynamics; and a book about my love life will be entitled: I'm Okay -You're a Jerk!
 
 I started dating a man in 2005 who shares the same birthday as I do. One our 1st birthday together after two months of dating, he invited me to his town which is 40 miles away to go out to dinner. I bought him a card and wrist watch to replace the one he broke helping a handicapped women into a van. When I arrive "Joe" told me he no longer wanted to go out to dinner because his family had already taken him out before I arrived and he had not even a card for me. We spent three birthdays together and I never even once received a card. In three years I never received on gift from the man, only a few dinners.He constantly was seeing other women, even one who I knew who send me an email he sent her about how has never loved me.
 
I kept "breaking up" with "Joe," but he would call and call and call, and smooth talk me into seeing him. We can talk many hours on the phone as friends. After we came back from a trip in September he took up with another gal he thought he was in love with, but forgot to tell me we. His excuse was, "you know I love you to pieces, but you are not my girlfriend, I have never been in love with you. There is no chemistry." Sometime he would tell me how in love he was and beautiful to keep me on a string in case was lonely.
 
 I found a couple other men to date. Of course the woman he left me for didn't want him after 5 months and the women he was dating on the side with her, didn't want him, so he called me to come visit him at his new home. He says I am his best friend. [explains story of severe sexual mistreatment by this man.]
 
I thought I was coming to visit as a friend, but you don't have something that simulates sex with a friend, nor treat a friend the way he has treated me. I worst part of all of this is: I am in love with this man because we can talk and share for hours and I am attracted to him. I know he isn't going to change, but this has become an emotional addiction. I think I love eating a bowl of stupid daily to feel this way. My ex-husband treated me even worse. I must love jerks and being mis-treated. --

Anonymous


My name is Beverly - Aaron,  Some of the advice contained in these lessons could pertain to guys too.  You see, in the end, all of us are only responsible for our own behavior.  If you are dating women that seem to dump you because you're a "good guy" then you are being attracted to the wrong women - just like the women who are attracted to the "bad boys".  If you walk away thinking you have to change your behavior regarding the way you treat people - you are learning the wrong lesson.  Stay true to yourself and believe that you deserve a loving and kind woman that will treat you the way you treat her - she's out there - most of the good things in life take time and some effort - find her!

I totally agree that women prefer jerks over nice guys....I know, I was married to a nice guy who gave me the world. I wasn't happy or satisfied and inevitably left him for a jerk who turned out to be a convicted felon that I was totally attracted to.  He eventually broke the law again and returned to prison and I went on with my life....go figure.  What are we women thinking?

- V.


Amen to Aaron. All too often women do this. And as women, we often wear blinders thinking that only men are jerks. I have had many male friends in my life since most of my hobbies are "male" oriented, I could tell you stories that would raise the hair on the back of your neck about how some
women treat men. It is horrid! Bottom line is.......respect. Men and women need to respect one another.

And, as I have told my beautiful daughter, the best men to date are the ones that have a healthy relationship with their Moms. If they respect and love their Moms, they will respect and love women
in general. And vice versa, women who have healthy relationships with their Dads, treat men respectfully and lovingly. So, for my crack pot psychology, if you have any issues with the opposite sex parent, work on those issues and you will be ready for a healthy, loving relationship with a man/woman.

Rebecca


Mimi,

I agree, so please explain it and tell us how to get around it without becoming b*&#^%s!  I dated a guy for 5 years (yes, I needed a lobotomy) who told me later I was too nice, too understanding.  His mom told me to answer the phone and tell his ex-wife to stop calling!  I said that was his call, his job, not mine. I do not want a man that I have to boss around!  Why is it that nice=walked on,
mean/controlling = begging for more?!?!!!

Thanks!
Carol
And I don't care if you DO use my real name!!

Dear Mimi,
 
I was very interested to read your email today.  I too have had abusive boyfriends in the past, but the last one I had, I told him it was over and walked away, NO WAY was I putting up with his carryings-on, drinking, arguing etc any more!  I now have a lovely boyfriend, who is loving, kind and looks after me, and he, thank God, is nothing like that.  Ladies, don't put up with rudeness or abuse... you deserve better, and it IS possible to find it!  Mind you, my faith in God really helped and it was He who brought us together.  We met last summer at the church, in the evening service.  We have been seeing each other for 9 months now, we get on great and we're serious about each other.  I am in my 40s, he is in his 50s but we're like a couple of teenagers!  Anyway, my point is... don't take any abuse from anyone, you don't need, to, you deserve the best and it is possible to find nice guys!  Just hang in there, believe in and love yourself and Mr Wonderful will come along!

All the best,
J


i  feel there's a karma link with everyone that we encounter and hooking up these souls is our way to pay it up. we do have free will.

-- aishah


I have dated men who have been manipulative and i just can't seem to break the pattern.

-- K.



Ending up bitter and disillusioned is not hard to do, Aaron, when you THINK that the man you are dating IS decent and not a jerk because he says things like "I need to take it slow," and "I like you" just to keep stringing you along--as you continue to hope that he will someday come around, although he has ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of ever moving your relationship forward and no intention of ever letting you know that. Unbelievably, devestatingly hurtful. 

Not all men are pigs, but I will say that it seems men have very little difficulty "compartmentalizing"
their lives.  In their minds, having two (or more) things going on at once is fine; as long as no promises are made, they feel absolutely justified in dating/deceiving more than one woman at a time.  ( I am not
talking about casual dating.  That is different.)  If the women do stick with these jerks, they don't have anyone to blame but themselves, but, take it from me, walking away from the love of your life because you finally had to accept the crushing realization he had no intention of ever committing to you and never did is THE WORST pain a person can feel, because it is your pain and yours alone. 

It will be extremely difficult for me to ever get to such a level of trust again.  If you choose to go back to being a "jerk," you will continue to atrract only the kind of women who get off on being mistreated.  I don't think that is what you really want.  And if it is, well, then, it's a self-fulfilling prohphecy.

Eileen (not my real name, either)


From my experience, there are up's and down's as the day goes by.  You don't know what you will get from a box of chocolate.  A man or a woman is another human.  They have their own emotions and experience.  They may be jerks at some point of the day or week.  One thing I learn from a man.  He said get into his mind and see what he wants/needs/what's he thinking.  It's wise and true.  It works for women too.  Since then, I've lost his relationship to another woman but I've gained good friendships with both men and women simply by seeing what their minds want/need by listening very carefully.  Also, these friendships I've gained have helped me advanced in my career.  What a blessing in disguise.

-- C.


I don't think it's the "jerk" part that attracts either men or women, it's the confidence part. Jerks are always confident that they deserve whatever it is they want. Confident people can be jerks or they can be nice. But what turns off both genders, I believe, is the "doormat" personality. It just so happens that most doormats are also nice people, but not all nice people are doormats.

Dana


To Aaron and the woman who is losing interest...
 
I don't think women like "jerks" and I don't think men like "b*tches". Rather, we are attracted to people who are independent, have their own thing going, and are confident enough to be their own person and care for themselves rather than desperately vying for the approval of others. I want a man to want to please me because he thinks I'm EXTRA special and it makes him happy- not because it's his only means of finding self worth. I think men are the same way with women...
 
A woman who has herself together emotionally will search for a similar man, and vice versa. Notice, the women who pick true jerks are not emotionally whole and together, just as the men who pick rude and controlling women tend to be down on themselves in other areas of their lives.
 
-Nicole

I once dated a liar, thank God he has moved to the middle east, he believed in double life while dating me he was seeing other women this man was desperate to be a father but did not want to commit one of the women has his baby. none of the women lived with him, he was the biggest liar on planet.  I hope he is not cheating more women out there.

-- Sarah (not my real name)


That's true up to a point. It's all timing. When people are in a transition frame of mind and are trying to focus on other goals, they don't want a full-time person who will actually want them to be accountable. This is true of women as well as men. At that point, people are looking for someone exciting, someone to serve as a distraction. But when someone is actually in a place where they can commit and their lives are in order, they are not looking for someone who will derail them but someone they can partner with. Some people, though, never get beyond the chaos stage in their own lives and so they are looking for someone who makes them look sane in comparison. For the most part, though, all men are not jerks although they can act like jerks just as all women are not jerks but can act that way. What is going on in someone's life is important. If someone is in a situation that makes them emotionally unavailable, the best thing is to keep them as a friend if they truly have traits that are worthwhile and to keep looking for someone to date. That's my two cents.

-- Lynne


Maybe he is smothering her with attention that she is not used to getting. At first she was flattered and loved it, then maybe she saw it as a weakness on his part like he was a doting mother hen.

-- Carol


Hi Mimi,
Some women will continue to pick men who treat them badly until they get the AH HA moment and that moment is when you figure out why your making these same wrong choices that usually come from something terribly lacking in there childhood. Once this is figured out and fully  
understood and you have healed and moved on,then these bad choices will stop.
 
Speaking from experience 
Lisa

Mimi and Aaron,
I think that jerks know how to build tension, which is attractive. Women do not want to be fawned over just as men don't, they want to be with someone they feel is independent and has self-esteem whom they respect. Cocky men appear to be strong. Often emotionally and sexually they carry themselves smoothly. Nice guys are usually awkward.

I have dated two men recently, one cocky and mean, the other kind and awkward. I wished I could morph them! Then I remembered, I am not perfect and any relationship requires adjustment.
Thanks!

-- M.


Wow. "Aaron" already sounds like an a#$hole if you ask me. His attitude is a total turn-off. If "it works much better" then he needs no practice it seems. If he wants a really healthy, mature relationship, then he wouldn't be thinking like that in the first place.
 
I wouldn't date him in a million years. -- A.
 

Mimi,
 
I think many women are trying to replace their emotionally absent fathers with emotionally absent men, and they are usually the jerks.  I know several women who continually settle for that kind of relationship, not knowing how to change their tastes.  It's like the saying goes, "We always want what we can't have."

-- Kelly
 

Some women simply think they need a bad boy.  The good guys are either not exciting enough for us OR we think it is too good to be true.  If you are a good guy hang in there
because there are a lot of us good women looking for you.

-- C.


Dear Mimi,
 I did not know the man I met would be( a dog) jerk.He did everything to please me. One day I can across a phone bill with his ex. girlfriend phone number on it. I didn't confront at first, I waited a while.
When the time was right I asked why was he calling her,he didn't know what to say. From that day forward I doubted the truth.If men could be straight forward and truthful with their feelings,women could be also. I am still looking for a "Man All Women Can Adore."

-- S.
 

Mimi,

Oh what a heated discussion these responses have started. First off in response to Aaron's comment that women love men who are Jerks.  So not true!  Though women, my self included, often feel men do the exact same thing and love Women who act like Bitches and think their God's gift to this earth.  Though what I feel it comes down to is nice people, Men & Women alike, finish last.  It's not that people go after Jerks, but just like both Mimi's & Bob's books say people like the feeling of being
pursued.  If you put your self out there completely naked for the one you want they realize that it was so easy to get you they could probably get something better.  You always want what you can't have.  So then when someone doesn't reciprocate their feelings for you, and is a Jerk, you want them more.  Then the age old game of the chase comes into play. I hate that this is how love is; but you either have to accept it or continue to lose.

I learned this the hard way with my last relationship.  I was dating the most perfect man for two months & he was even the one who told me he hadn't been in many relationships because nice guys finish last.  Well being the nice girl I am I put it all out there for him.  Thinking that since he is nice he wants a nice girl and would appreciate & respect me more for all the little & big things I did for him.  Man was I wrong. The last time I saw him he told me I was smothering him.  Which lead me
to finding Bob's & Mimi's books which told me about the art of being pursued and expensive.  It's not that you have to be a Jerk so to say but you have to let it be known you deserve the best to get the best. If you're too nice and too available you become cheap, and no one likes something that is cheap especially a significant other.  You eventually reach a point in a relationship where you can equally give and let your guard down but that takes time it just won't happen over night.  You have to get through the Jerk stages and through the chase before this happens.  After all life is a game and love is the reason we play!

Thanks for you all inspiring words of wisdom Mimi; they are what encourage me to go on playing the game of love after so many loses in hopes of one big win.       

Mary


i believe men and women go for the mistreating because it makes them feel as though they arent good enough for this person so they strive to stay and be with them when the other person has no intention of staying. i have just realized this after so many of my friend and also me have fallen into the habit of going for the ones that treat you like a jerk instead of that sweet one in the corner. its a challenge and no one can resist that. i just heard a few days ago a guy say he wants this chick so bad because she's the hardest to get; it would be an accomplishment. these reasons SEEM to be the reason we all go for the people that treat us like crap but of course i could be wrong...

-- Bethany
HI,

I find when you meet them they are so wonderful, charming, treat you like a princess for 2 months or so and YOu  have no clue what lies ahead- you fall for each other (or so the woman THINKS)- its all a game to the man though. ONce you have fallen they back off (especially when you want a commited relationship). THey use all the right ploys and lines to hook you and then they dont want you! why bother.??? If its just sex- get a call girl- dont break a woman's heart! Alot of men like this- its all a game and its very cruel. Then they have the nerve to start calling you  up again aft er they told you they cant commit to you! what is with that!!!!

--J.


NO! No! No!  There are plenty of women out there that want and deserve to be treated well.  Don't give up on us!!!

Debby


Mimi:
 
I don't know the prevelant age of your subscribers, but as one of your mature readers (almost 60), I'm from the old school and think one needs to give a relationship time to be nutured and developed over time.  Too many people want INSTANT gravitation and results due to the onslaught of constant changes and availability of technology. If the attraction only lasted less than a month, maybe it was a superficial attraction on her part, i.e. looks, money, etc. She might need to re-assess within herself whom she is looking for in a relationship.
 
Irene

Hello

I think that whoever it is male or female, no one wants someone else to give up all their life for the other, the pressure is too much.  And in these circumstances one person is willing to give away all they have to have make the other person happy.  It s much more healthy to have your own interests and your own happiness because then as a person you are more balanced.  I have just attracted a very nice guy and who is relationship material but I am just not attracted to him because he gives too much away and not enough to himself.  Its scary to think that this love is authentic.  And is it?

Arenīt we suppose to love ourselves first and then we can attract a similar person who also loves themselves and then there can be attraction, respect and therefore love?

-- Emma


I have often marvelled that men seem to prefer psycho-b#tches to intelligent, kind, decent sweethearts like me.  Should I become "B" just to get a guy? Of course not.  However, the problem is that "nice" can be bland, predictable and pedantic.

Often the arrogance of a "bad boy" can be mistaken for confidence, passion and romance. Irresponsibility can be mistaken for spontinaety.  I think the solution is This above all to thine own self be true. Quit caring what other people think of you and indulge in an abandoned passion for life.  Of course always treat people with the same decency and respect that you expect them to treat you.

This way you can cultivate what makes a person attractive without lowering yourself to being a jerk. It is called personal integrity and it is extremely attractive in both men and women.

Kelley


"Men go for women who mistreat them!"  That is so true.  My view: if a man neglects to call, email, or show affection (the panic state) then reverse psycology works well.  Do to them as they do unto you.  "It works!" 

Both sexes do like a challange and most times, can see the "whole picture" more clearer when faced with the same ordeals they put their partner through!

Sincerely, Sandra

Is it difficult to attract the right men? Bob Grant says no!

"Once the realization comes to my clients that attracting a man is pretty simple, love seems to find them, almost as though it was waiting on them right around the corner." -- Bob Grant

Bob Grant is the author of "The Woman Men Adore and Never Want to Leave" at http://thewomanmenadore.com

 

Mimi Tanner is the author of Man Mistake Eraser and many other books.